I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
