She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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