my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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