My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
