At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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