I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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