a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
