I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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