Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can feel your judgement through the phone