His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos