rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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