i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
