I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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