Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
