I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
