the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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