road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
