How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
