Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
