I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I licked your asshole in confidence.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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