At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
