he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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