today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
