We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
