i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
