all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
