Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
