So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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