Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
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You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
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