the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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