Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i may or may not be watching the land before time
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
