I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
