I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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