There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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