Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We're too hungover to prance.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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