So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
