i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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