the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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