You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I did not marry a roomba.
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