Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
