I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just found puke in my bra..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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