Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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