I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
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Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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