I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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