He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
