I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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