Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
