A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
