Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Found the puke drawer
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
