I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my phone needs a breathalizer
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
