I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
