Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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