I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
