hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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