Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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