just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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