During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
