I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
